A New Year’s State of Mind

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It is New Year’s Eve! Normally I celebrate it with my boyfriend, John. We pick a movie that will end around midnight, and then we go to Walmart and buy lots of sparkling cider. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but I treasure it. Traditions are very important to me. Ironically, though, this year AND last year I’ve had to cancel on him. So really, how much of a tradition is it? Last year I was with my sister and my best friend (see picture on the right). This year I am in Arizona (see picture on the left), and my grandma is throwing a party for all of her friends to come to! So I will be spending my New Year’s Eve playing pictionary with a bunch of 70+ year olds. But, I don’t mind. I’m excited. I love all this extra time that I have gotten to spend with my grandparents, and I wouldn’t change a single thing.
I’ve decided that my New Year’s Resolution is to try to not complain at all. That will be extremely hard, because I complain a lot. Oh well, I want my life to be as happy and fulfilling as possible, and I have a feeling that cutting out my habit of complaining will be a great help to that goal.
Happy New Year, everyone!!

The Cycle

She’s a romantic
Viewing the world through naive eyes
She is only deluding herself
Perfection can never be reached
She waits patiently
For her heart to accept what her mind already knows
She’s only capable of seeing black and white
Therefore soon falling into cynicism
But she is too pure to stay there
She claims to have a desire to understand the grey
But what her heart truly aches for is the perfection
So she slowly returns to her abusive relationship with idealism
And therefore the cycle never ends
It is only a matter of time before she is hurt again
Her expectations shattered into thousands of pieces
Then she will again be waiting patiently
For her heart to accept what her mind already knows
Idealist to cynic to idealist
Round and round she goes
It’s always the same

Blessings On Blessings

Yesterday, my grandparents and I began our long trek to Casa Grande, Arizona. We haven’t made it very far, honestly. Our method of transportation is an RV. It heavily increases travel time. Besides that, we’ve run into a multitude of “difficulties.” Some of this won’t even make sense unless you have traveled in an RV. But, yesterday, one of our slides would not come in, the water pump was messed up, and we ended up spending an hour getting all of this fixed at Camping World. Not only did we have to deal with these “technical difficulties,” but we had to make a couple necessary stops before we actually set out for Arizona.

We left from Jonesboro, Arkansas at around 10am and, in addition to all of the problems we encountered, we had to stop in Little Rock and Hot Springs Village. Now, it is just after the Christmas holiday, and we have Christmas at my house every year. My cousins had left a ton of their things at my house, and since our trip to AZ took us past Little Rock, we decided to be nice and run their things by. Then, onto Hot Springs Village. That is where my grandparents live. I am only going to be in AZ for a week and a half, but my grandparents are staying for 3 months. Clearly, it is very important that they bring everything they will need. They had forgotten the modem and a couple of other things. We decided to take the car off the RV and simply drive that back to their house. Well, the car was dead. We had to jump the car and charge the battery. This, of course, added onto the “quick, in-and-out” trip to their house.

When we finally got on the road, we made tons of jokes about how bad our luck had been that morning. In fact, it had taken us practically 7 hours to go only 4 hours down the road. But, God works in mysterious ways…because it had, in fact, been a huge blessing.

If we hadn’t faced all those problems yesterday, we would’ve obviously made it farther down the road. Which would’ve put us in east Texas around the exact time the tornado was coming through, along with the storm. The damage, which we saw today, was horrendous. Houses were destroyed, roofs were caved in or smashed, power lines were down, tons of cars littered the highway, and police were everywhere. I’m not exaggerating when I say that there were probably more than 20 cop cars and emergency vehicles just in my line of sight. It was even rumored that when the storm cleared up this morning, dead bodies had been found laying on the exact highway we were driving on.

So, what may appear to be unfortunate or an annoyance may actually be a blessing in disguise. I’ve heard this saying a thousand times during my life, but most of the time you realize the situation was a blessing so far down the road that you’ve forgotten the situation ever felt like a curse. This time, however, the switch in point of view was almost instantaneous. That really drilled in the saying.

Next time I’m struggling along in life, I’ll simply praise God and stay positive, because I have no idea how he will use my tribulation to bless me or someone else. But, I am eager to find out.

 

 

 

LOVE

Her Divine Splendour

I don’t understand how love songs can be slow; because those beats can never match with the pace of your heart beat when you’re in love. People say love is sick because it consists of memories and goodbyes and endings. But so does everything. How can the idea of someone’s absence bring so much pain to you when the amount of happiness you feel erupting out of you in their presence is much greater, and stronger.
Love is momentary – that completeness that engulfs your conscience when you hold them and hug them hard, or in those kisses when just shove your face right into theirs trying to transmit all of that outpouring happiness into them, to tell them how strong it is what you feel in the moment. When even after the kiss is over, you aren’t done. You lean forward and hold them even tighter than before because…

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Time Will Tell: First Semester In

My first semester of college is over. It was extremely rough, but in different ways than I was expecting. In relation to all of my fears, it was fairly easy. I’m not going to go into tremendous detail, because then I would be typing all night. I just know that it has been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and my goal is to keep a constant blog, even though that isn’t apparent due to me being AWOL.

Looking back, I can’t believe I almost did not join a sorority. Alpha Gam has pretty much saved me from a lot of meltdowns this year. I’ve made great friends that I can count on and be myself around. But, I still have my insecurities. With my desire to make everybody love me, being around so many girls at once tends to give me a bit of anxiety. I want to be that social butterfly that everybody admires and speaks extremely highly of. So, I wear myself out trying to make every single girl love me, and I’m guessing that’s why I’m not succeeding. I make friends better when I’m being one-hundred percent genuine. And, although I hate to admit it, my true self can be a bit of a butt-hole. So even though my niceness was sincere, I wasn’t allowing myself to be fully comfortable around them. That’s something I really am going to have to work on next semester. There’s this girl that is crazy sweet and outgoing, and everybody loves her. She is practically the living embodiment of what I had pictured for myself in college. I think that may be why I admire her so much. She doesn’t even have to try. This girl is actually going to be my roommate next year. We will be in the quads with two other girls.

 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes this semester. I would take a lot of things back.  I have had to make a butt-ton of apologies. For the longest time, I beat myself up over this. But, now I realize that I can’t be perfect. To err is to be human. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and make decisions based on the person that I want to be. The only problem is, I don’t know who I want to be yet. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I wouldn’t say I love college yet, but I do appreciate not having to sit in a classroom all day. I think the only reason college hasn’t fully grown on me yet is that there are so many uncertainties. And you never escape from campus life. When you make a mistake, people talk. It’s not just school, it’s like a small town. Gossip, drama, social events, restaurants, housing, etc… At least that’s what it feels like to me.

But I am proud of myself for one thing. I stuck it out. Honestly, I didn’t think I could make it through the first semester of college. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I could’ve done things differently. But, I made it out safely and with my sanity. Well, partially with my sanity. Just kidding. But even though I haven’t figured out who I am or the kind of person I am striving to be yet, I have figured out what my priorities are and what I truly value and care about. And I think that’s a great accomplishment.

Plus, I happened to get a 4.0 along the way. No biggie.