Depression: No filter

When you’re depressed you have some days where you feel like you’ve finally gotten over it, even if it’s just for a brief moment. You feel giddy, you can’t stop smiling, and you feel like nothing can bring you down.

Today is not one of those days.

Today it feels impossible to force a smile, it feels impossible to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, it feels like time is passing by extremely slow and it is all I can do to wait until it’s bedtime so I can fall asleep and catch a break from my thoughts for even just a little while. Today it feels like I am more lost than ever and more purposeless than ever. Today it feels like I’m never going to be able to break free from anxiety and depression, and today it just sucks.

And do you wanna know the worst part?

The worst part about having anxiety and depression is not having to deal with the daily pain and the constant hopelessness, even though that definitely is a close second. The worst part about having anxiety and depression is that I am myself. And I am a fighter. Now you may be confused right about this point, because that word connotes strength.

Let me explain.

When you have inner strength and you have anxiety and depression, your mind is at constant conflict. You want to give up, but you refuse to give up. You want to cry, but you refuse to cry. You want to lay in bed all day and forget the world, but you refuse to waste your life away. You want to be sad, but you refuse to be. So you try your best to be happy and be the person that you are meant to be, and you may even believe that you can beat your anxiety and depression, but every time you crash that false hope is what makes the fall all the more painful.

Sometimes you even meet someone that makes you feel the way you feel when you have those days that trick you into thinking you’ve gotten over all those problems.

But they never stay.

Put Your Faith in My Stomach

Things have been…weird lately, for lack of a better word. And it’s one of those “weirds” where you can’t tell if it is about to be gut-wrenchingly awful or one the greatest things. Or who knows, maybe even somewhere in between.

I’m all about control. It’s part of my nature, and lately I’ve been trying to suppress that aspect of myself and just enjoy life and what it has to offer. I’ve not been worried about what will come next; I haven’t been stressing over all the little details.

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something? Something you just can’t explain? I have one of those, and I can’t decide if I am absolutely out of my mind or not. I can’t even put it into words, because it makes no sense to me. And also because being able to put it into words might even demolish the beauty of just going with my gut. It’s kind of hilarious, actually, what it reminds me of. There’s this Ed Sheeran song called “I’m a Mess,” and it has this one line that sends me into little fits of giggling. He says, “Put your faith in my stomach.” It cracks me up so much, if only at first because I did not understand what in the world he was talking about when he was telling someone to trust in his stomach. Like, okay Ed? Do you have a really good taste in food or something? What’s going on here? But my sister explained it to me awhile ago, and she said that it meant that he wanted whoever he wrote the song about to trust in his gut instinct, because that is exactly what he was doing. Once she told me that, it made perfect sense. But, I’ve never been able to relate, because I’m not one of those people that “goes with the wind” and “trusts their gut.” In fact, I don’t believe I’ve ever had a gut feeling before. I’ve always evaluated every little decision and fretted over it and analyzed it until it wasn’t even fun anymore. It takes the life out of things- analyzation.

So maybe it’s saying something about my anxiety that I’m finally taking a risk, and I’m finally trusting in my gut. Honestly? I don’t care if it blows up in my face. Okay, no, I care a lot, actually. But I’m just proud that I’m not overthinking everything for once, and it gives me a sense of hope and freedom that I lost a long time ago. It makes me think that it may be possible for me to get over my anxiety, not completely…obviously. But, maybe to the point to where it doesn’t plague my mind every second of every day. I genuinely hope I can get there soon.

Ironically enough, however, even as I’m typing this I can feel that little bit of anxiety crawling back in and trying to grab hold of me. It sickens me. When my brother went through his eating disorder, it pained me every day to see him struggle and not be able to overcome it. Once he finally got over it, I imagined he would be perfectly back to normal- no trace of his problems left. But, it left a mark. And that scares me. Because of what he went through, he will never be the same person he was. I talk like I’m cynical, but deep down I am such an idealist. I want to believe that instead of just getting to the point where my anxiety doesn’t bother me 24/7 that I can get to the point where I’m back to myself completely. And maybe if I try hard enough, believe in myself, and fight like hell, then I can get there.

So here’s to hoping.

Danger of Overthinking

Words
Ink on paper
But come alive inside her head
Thoughts 
She can't let them escape through her lips
Franticly swirling in her mind 
Colliding
Crashing
But those words still linger
Those thoughts still linger
Everpresent
Never escaping
Building up and up until she can't take it anymore
The words have won
The thoughts have taken control

Wørry?

It’s so frustrating that the main roadblock to my happiness in life is inside my head. It’s practically made-up. Not real. It’s worry. Worry is a state of anxiety over actual or potential problems. It’s agonizing, overthinking, brooding.

I need to be positive and focus on the things in my life that are actually real, not some potential problem that may not even happen.  I let my constant state of worry affect me so much that it infiltrates my dreams and I wake up in full-blown panic mode. Sometimes, I even let my dreams affect how my day goes.

So my goal is to try not to be worried. And even if I am, not to let it affect the way I live my life.

“Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

-Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Tenacity

The sunshine bounces off the pavement
Glaringly bright in her cloudy eyes
Contrite,
But she always seems to smile

She has the endowment of grace
Never letting anybody see through her face
Her mask
Blocking out how she truly feels

Remaining forever a mystery
Occasionally,
Even to her
She cannot seem to find the right words
Only her indistinct fears can be heard

Recreational Destruction

Sometimes I feel as though I may be guilty of playing a “game” with everyone I truly love in my life.

I push them away, then I pull them close, only to push them away again. I consciously and unconsciously test them to see how much they care. I’m always suspicious, always looking for some kind of discrepancy that will prove they don’t really care about me. I have lots of sudden impulses to do or say things I may or may not really mean if only to bring about a reaction.

It’s like silence causes me more pain than an actual problem. So sometimes I push and push until there’s an actual conflict.

But it’s not a healthy way to behave. So, I need to learn how to trust people and feel confident and secure in my friendships and with my relationship. If I don’t, I could end up losing everyone, including myself.

Time Will Tell: First Semester In

My first semester of college is over. It was extremely rough, but in different ways than I was expecting. In relation to all of my fears, it was fairly easy. I’m not going to go into tremendous detail, because then I would be typing all night. I just know that it has been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and my goal is to keep a constant blog, even though that isn’t apparent due to me being AWOL.

Looking back, I can’t believe I almost did not join a sorority. Alpha Gam has pretty much saved me from a lot of meltdowns this year. I’ve made great friends that I can count on and be myself around. But, I still have my insecurities. With my desire to make everybody love me, being around so many girls at once tends to give me a bit of anxiety. I want to be that social butterfly that everybody admires and speaks extremely highly of. So, I wear myself out trying to make every single girl love me, and I’m guessing that’s why I’m not succeeding. I make friends better when I’m being one-hundred percent genuine. And, although I hate to admit it, my true self can be a bit of a butt-hole. So even though my niceness was sincere, I wasn’t allowing myself to be fully comfortable around them. That’s something I really am going to have to work on next semester. There’s this girl that is crazy sweet and outgoing, and everybody loves her. She is practically the living embodiment of what I had pictured for myself in college. I think that may be why I admire her so much. She doesn’t even have to try. This girl is actually going to be my roommate next year. We will be in the quads with two other girls.

 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes this semester. I would take a lot of things back.  I have had to make a butt-ton of apologies. For the longest time, I beat myself up over this. But, now I realize that I can’t be perfect. To err is to be human. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and make decisions based on the person that I want to be. The only problem is, I don’t know who I want to be yet. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I wouldn’t say I love college yet, but I do appreciate not having to sit in a classroom all day. I think the only reason college hasn’t fully grown on me yet is that there are so many uncertainties. And you never escape from campus life. When you make a mistake, people talk. It’s not just school, it’s like a small town. Gossip, drama, social events, restaurants, housing, etc… At least that’s what it feels like to me.

But I am proud of myself for one thing. I stuck it out. Honestly, I didn’t think I could make it through the first semester of college. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I could’ve done things differently. But, I made it out safely and with my sanity. Well, partially with my sanity. Just kidding. But even though I haven’t figured out who I am or the kind of person I am striving to be yet, I have figured out what my priorities are and what I truly value and care about. And I think that’s a great accomplishment.

Plus, I happened to get a 4.0 along the way. No biggie.

 

Camp or College?

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image

This is my side of the dorm room. I moved in early yesterday to take on Rush Week, and neither of my suite mates or my roommate are here. I was expecting it to be scary and like a huge change, but it doesn’t feel like either of those things. Instead, it feels like a whole different situation. It feels like camp. I keep expecting to hear about when I’m heading back home or what is on the schedule for today. It always feels extremely strange that I can leave the campus without telling anybody where I’m going. Or that I’m not actually required to go to any of the activities. I feel like I should be typing this at home in my bedroom, but I figure this dorm room will feel like home pretty soon. When classes start it will take away this camp feeling and make me realize this is the start of my life. I guess I’m becoming kind of a grown up.

As Ready As I’ll Ever Be

When someone is asked are you ready and they retort back “as ready as I’ll ever be,” I’ve never understood why they said it. I’ve always thought, “Okay. You are either ready or you’re not.” But college has made me rethink this, and I’ve come to appreciate this common retort more than I thought I would. I move into my dorm room in less than three days, and I’m terrified. But, I’m also excited about having my whole future in front of me. I wouldn’t say I’m ready to jump in with both feet, but I wouldn’t say I’m not ready to transition into this new stage of life. Therefore, I’d say I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. The nerves won’t go away until I begin college, but I’ve done everything I can do to prepare myself, and I can relax in that truth.