Justified Stress? 

Even though I’m prone to worry and fret, I need to put my faith in GOD. God is big enough, powerful enough, and loving enough to take the reins. God is enough. We don’t need to put the focus on our problems and ourselves — we need to rejoice and glorify God in everything we do! 

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of GOD.” 

1 Corinthians 10:31 

Life is about GOD, not me (and not you), so get over it. Think of a relationship you have. For example, you may have thought of a boyfriend, or your mom, dad, siblings, friends, or anyone you deeply care about. Think about how much time you spend with them — you’re constantly investing in them and getting to knew them. God should be your purpose. God should be my purpose. God should be my closest relationship. So why doesn’t my time reflect that? How much time should I be spending with God? Is it even close to the amount of time I spend with Him now? Chances are, no. Absolutely not. I’m spending a lot less time with God than I should. 

I may spend time with God more frequently than I choose to spend with a lot of people, but that doesn’t matter. Judging by the way I spend my time, God and I could have the closeness level equivalent to that of an acquaintance. That’s not too deep when I have the opportunity to get to know my God. To get to know my savior. Oh the joy, that He first loved us. I’m so undeserving, and thankful for His love. I’m thankful for his mercy and grace when I constantly mess up and I constantly fail Him. 

Yes, I pray (text Him), and I read His Word every once in a while (actually see what He’s saying to me in response), but I don’t spend anything more than about twenty minutes or less a day. Some days, I’ll have that rare “trip to Sonic” or “hey, let’s catch up over coffee,” but one could not say God is my best friend. One could not say He is of utmost priority to me. 

God, 

Please fill me up with You. Give me that desire to spend more and more time with You. God, please give me that drive and that passion. Please kindle all the energy and personality I have, and use it for Your Will. God, let my time reflect my priorities

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannnot change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is— not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and I may be supremely happy with Him forever in the next. 

Our Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive in the ones who have trespassed against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever — Amen. 

Mindlessness

Mindlessness: Having no intelligent purpose, meaning, or direction. Giving or showing little attention or care.

These past few (or five) months since the breakup, I’ve spiraled and then gotten right back up on my feet. For the better. I had a drive in me that felt foreign, quite frankly. I loved that drive. Maybe I still have it, but I feel like I may be losing myself again.

I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t have time to focus on things that I want to focus on. I work all the time, quit my sorority, rush through my homework, and stress, stress, stress. I have been relying on God, and I felt like I was going through an immensely fruitful period, but now I feel dry. I feel fruitless. I feel as if all the amazing process I was making has gotten up on its own accord and walked its happy little ass away. If I’m being honest here, I feel useless and purposeless.

I keep praying for God to awaken that fire in me that was only so recently burning so bright…but it’s still missing. I don’t want it gone. I need it back.

I realize a lot of my problems come from procrastination. I need to break away from that.

CatchUp

So, the last few weeks have been extremely rough. My boyfriend and I broke up the Monday before my birthday, and it’s been trying to say the least. I lost my high-school sweetheart, my first true love, my best friend, and the most amazing man I’ve ever met…all in one person. I haven’t really given myself any time to slow down and think about how much I’ve lost, because it hurts too much. I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think about it. But, I know it’s for the best.

I know he’s hurting right now, too, and I just pray that God takes that hurt away from him; he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too genuine to be hurt. He’ll be just fine, and he’s going to change the world someday. I know he changed mine.

Some seconds it feels as if the world is crashing down on me, but some seconds it feels like nothing is wrong. I relax in my oblivious bliss until it hits me once again, and I can barely breathe.

I don’t know who I am as a person, and I think maybe I will finally find out. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that God gave me something more than I could handle, with His help of course.

One thing I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks is that I can be really introspective, I can be a good listener, and I have a huge heart for people. I may not show it all the time, but I have a special love for everybody I meet..and even those I don’t meet.

Free Falling

I feel so…alive.

This vacation has allowed me to take a step back and explore how I am without all of the pressures of life pushing at me. I’m really lazy. But, that’s not the point.

I’ve gotten to do some unbelievable things. For example, skydiving. It’s been on my bucket list, and honestly I never quite thought I would get to scratch it off. But, lo and behold, I went skydiving with my grandma in Eloy, Arizona.

We are staying in Casa Grande, and so we woke up and drove to Eloy last Saturday morning. We signed away all our rights, which terrified Nana, and we discovered that there had been a death there two days prior to our little excursion. That terrified Nana even more. But, surprisingly, she didn’t back out, and there was no way that I was going to anyway.

We suited up, walked out, and boarded the small plane. I thought that I would be nervous and desire to back out, but never once did I ever question what I was about to do.

We went tandem skydiving, which basically means that I was harnessed to an experienced skydiver. At 13,000 feet above the ground, we jumped. The air hit me in the face and knocked me breathless. We were in free-fall. I tried to breathe, but it was tantalizing. So I just stopped trying and focused on everything around me. I was in pure bliss. I felt so…alive. The adrenaline was pumping through me, and everything looked so minuscule below. Even though I was unable to breathe, I wasn’t concerned. I never wanted the free-fall to stop. But, too soon, my tandem instructor opened the parachute. I felt a sudden jerk, and our fall slowed its pace enormously. I could breathe again. This experience was different from the free-fall, but just as astounding. During the free-fall I had been horizontal, but now I was upright.  I felt as if I were floating, or perhaps walking on air. The world below my feet acting as my floor, even.

The landing was rough. I landed hard on my butt, and looked oh so graceful while doing it. I’ve got a video if you don’t believe me. My Nana says that she enjoyed it, but that it was definitely a one-time experience. I felt oppositely. I would do it over and over and over again until I died. The adrenaline. The view. The beauty. The danger of it all. I fell in love with skydiving, that’s for sure.

I refuse to describe in detail everything we have done on this magnificent trip, but I also refuse to simply list the activities; they deserve much more than that. So, I’m going to keep them to myself, a secret treasure to hold onto. I will let you in on something that happened today though, just because of the way it affected me. To start, it was a beautiful day outside. No, the sun was not out, but that didn’t matter. The weather felt heavenly. Nana and I were out riding our bikes, and suddenly it started raining. Nana was not happy, but I was. I love rain. Now, I know the science of it all, but there’s always been something  magical about it to me. The way it falls in tiny droplets, how it feels when it gently strokes your face, how it tastes when it hits your tongue, how it drips from your eyelashes, how its smell mixes with the smell of the air and you feel intoxicated from the aroma that I can only think to describe as pureness. So, we’re heading back to the RV, and it’s all I can do not to get off my bike and lay on the ground. I want to feel the hot concrete on my back as the chilling rain pools around me. But, Nana would kill me, so on I go. It’s still idyllic. It made me feel, again, so… alive. No matter what else happens today, that will be the best part. It reminded me of that song by Natasha Bedingfield: Unwritten. I won’t waste time including the lyrics. If you know it, you know it. If you don’t, well then hopefully you’re curious enough to google it. But just the reminder of that song while in this situation made me giggle. I thought of God. It felt like He was telling me to put all my mistakes behind me and just start living my life again. I can’t change the past, and I will never be able to not make mistakes. It might not have even been Him; it may have just been a coincidence. But, I hope it was Him. I hope that He cared enough to set me up in that situation so that I would finally feel forgiven by Him and to finally forgive myself. I hope He cared enough to purposefully send me the renewed sense of purpose, joy, and maybe even a sense of understanding. Understanding how He feels about me and how He can possibly love me when I’m so pathetically incorrigible.

I will end this post as I began it, because I do. I feel so…alive. 

And it excites me.