CatchUp

So, the last few weeks have been extremely rough. My boyfriend and I broke up the Monday before my birthday, and it’s been trying to say the least. I lost my high-school sweetheart, my first true love, my best friend, and the most amazing man I’ve ever met…all in one person. I haven’t really given myself any time to slow down and think about how much I’ve lost, because it hurts too much. I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think about it. But, I know it’s for the best.

I know he’s hurting right now, too, and I just pray that God takes that hurt away from him; he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too genuine to be hurt. He’ll be just fine, and he’s going to change the world someday. I know he changed mine.

Some seconds it feels as if the world is crashing down on me, but some seconds it feels like nothing is wrong. I relax in my oblivious bliss until it hits me once again, and I can barely breathe.

I don’t know who I am as a person, and I think maybe I will finally find out. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that God gave me something more than I could handle, with His help of course.

One thing I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks is that I can be really introspective, I can be a good listener, and I have a huge heart for people. I may not show it all the time, but I have a special love for everybody I meet..and even those I don’t meet.

People Always Leave

I’m just sitting here reading my sister’s goodbye letter to me since she is moving to Texas this week, and honestly I can’t even process it. She’s giving me advice, and it is so sweet and I’m sure it will be helpful, but the only thing I can think about is a quote from the show One Tree Hill. The character named Peyton said it. “People always leave.”

And that’s what I’m thinking about while I’m holding this letter. I used to think that my life would forever be filled with my sister. I looked forward to and expected her to be a constant presence in my life. She would always be at Christmas, always be there for birthdays and other holidays. But no, things didn’t go like that, and our relationship isn’t what it used to be. It can never be what it was again.

And it makes me wonder. Why do we try so hard in life to make relationships when they never last? They always come to an end. People always leave. And sometimes you can’t even get people to care about you long enough for them to have the chance to leave, because they weren’t ever really there to begin with.

God wants us to love everyone and to care for everyone, but it’s so hard. He must know how badly it hurts every time someone we love leaves us, every time someone makes us feel like we don’t matter to them, every time someone looks at you and all you can do is wonder when they are going to break your heart because people always leave.

But then again, what’s a life without people? There’s no joy in that. So it’s almost cruel, in fact, that we have to constantly put ourselves in positions where we know we are going to get crushed, but we don’t have any other choice.