When you’re depressed you have some days where you feel like you’ve finally gotten over it, even if it’s just for a brief moment. You feel giddy, you can’t stop smiling, and you feel like nothing can bring you down.
Today is not one of those days.
Today it feels impossible to force a smile, it feels impossible to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, it feels like time is passing by extremely slow and it is all I can do to wait until it’s bedtime so I can fall asleep and catch a break from my thoughts for even just a little while. Today it feels like I am more lost than ever and more purposeless than ever. Today it feels like I’m never going to be able to break free from anxiety and depression, and today it just sucks.
And do you wanna know the worst part?
The worst part about having anxiety and depression is not having to deal with the daily pain and the constant hopelessness, even though that definitely is a close second. The worst part about having anxiety and depression is that I am myself. And I am a fighter. Now you may be confused right about this point, because that word connotes strength.
Let me explain.
When you have inner strength and you have anxiety and depression, your mind is at constant conflict. You want to give up, but you refuse to give up. You want to cry, but you refuse to cry. You want to lay in bed all day and forget the world, but you refuse to waste your life away. You want to be sad, but you refuse to be. So you try your best to be happy and be the person that you are meant to be, and you may even believe that you can beat your anxiety and depression, but every time you crash that false hope is what makes the fall all the more painful.
Sometimes you even meet someone that makes you feel the way you feel when you have those days that trick you into thinking you’ve gotten over all those problems.
But they never stay.