SB16- Bring it.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!

I can do anything I want. I will have no responsibilities, and I will actually be able to enjoy myself.

If I want to sit at home on the couch and binge watch Netflix all day, I can. If I want to go out to Craighead Forest and spend the day reading a book by the lake, I can. If I want to be extremely social and spend the entire week hanging out with friends, I can. If I want to try out some crazy craft project, (and probably fail miserably and make a huge mess) I can!! There is nothing expected of me, and I couldn’t be happier to get a break from school.

This week may be exactly what I need to clear my head, reevaluate my priorities, and just have a ΒℜΣΑΚ.

 

Put Your Faith in My Stomach

Things have been…weird lately, for lack of a better word. And it’s one of those “weirds” where you can’t tell if it is about to be gut-wrenchingly awful or one the greatest things. Or who knows, maybe even somewhere in between.

I’m all about control. It’s part of my nature, and lately I’ve been trying to suppress that aspect of myself and just enjoy life and what it has to offer. I’ve not been worried about what will come next; I haven’t been stressing over all the little details.

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something? Something you just can’t explain? I have one of those, and I can’t decide if I am absolutely out of my mind or not. I can’t even put it into words, because it makes no sense to me. And also because being able to put it into words might even demolish the beauty of just going with my gut. It’s kind of hilarious, actually, what it reminds me of. There’s this Ed Sheeran song called “I’m a Mess,” and it has this one line that sends me into little fits of giggling. He says, “Put your faith in my stomach.” It cracks me up so much, if only at first because I did not understand what in the world he was talking about when he was telling someone to trust in his stomach. Like, okay Ed? Do you have a really good taste in food or something? What’s going on here? But my sister explained it to me awhile ago, and she said that it meant that he wanted whoever he wrote the song about to trust in his gut instinct, because that is exactly what he was doing. Once she told me that, it made perfect sense. But, I’ve never been able to relate, because I’m not one of those people that “goes with the wind” and “trusts their gut.” In fact, I don’t believe I’ve ever had a gut feeling before. I’ve always evaluated every little decision and fretted over it and analyzed it until it wasn’t even fun anymore. It takes the life out of things- analyzation.

So maybe it’s saying something about my anxiety that I’m finally taking a risk, and I’m finally trusting in my gut. Honestly? I don’t care if it blows up in my face. Okay, no, I care a lot, actually. But I’m just proud that I’m not overthinking everything for once, and it gives me a sense of hope and freedom that I lost a long time ago. It makes me think that it may be possible for me to get over my anxiety, not completely…obviously. But, maybe to the point to where it doesn’t plague my mind every second of every day. I genuinely hope I can get there soon.

Ironically enough, however, even as I’m typing this I can feel that little bit of anxiety crawling back in and trying to grab hold of me. It sickens me. When my brother went through his eating disorder, it pained me every day to see him struggle and not be able to overcome it. Once he finally got over it, I imagined he would be perfectly back to normal- no trace of his problems left. But, it left a mark. And that scares me. Because of what he went through, he will never be the same person he was. I talk like I’m cynical, but deep down I am such an idealist. I want to believe that instead of just getting to the point where my anxiety doesn’t bother me 24/7 that I can get to the point where I’m back to myself completely. And maybe if I try hard enough, believe in myself, and fight like hell, then I can get there.

So here’s to hoping.

Tenacity

The sunshine bounces off the pavement
Glaringly bright in her cloudy eyes
Contrite,
But she always seems to smile

She has the endowment of grace
Never letting anybody see through her face
Her mask
Blocking out how she truly feels

Remaining forever a mystery
Occasionally,
Even to her
She cannot seem to find the right words
Only her indistinct fears can be heard

Sky’s the Limit

So, I’m sitting on my rear end at the airport in these surprisingly comfortable chairs. My plane won’t leave for practically another two hours, but I do understand my grandparents’ desire to be exceptionally early.

I feel so confident about my ability to handle this situation utterly on my own, but I love how worried my grandparents were leaving me. They reminded me about several things over and over until they were left satisfied that the knowledge was left drilled in my head.

Flying by yourself is rather intimidating, but then exciting after you’ve done it a couple times. It makes you feel like an adult, like you’ve been given a responsibility and you can either handle it skillfully or royally screw it up. It’s nice knowing that my decisions and my decisions alone will affect this outcome.

And I’m not thinking ooey gooey thoughts about John, my boyfriend, but of course he comes to mind while I’m sitting here killing time. He’s never flown on an airplane before. I really want to be with him the first time he does. I could guide him through the procedures. In fact, I’d like being able to take charge for once. He’s so annoying adept at everything.

Recreational Destruction

Sometimes I feel as though I may be guilty of playing a “game” with everyone I truly love in my life.

I push them away, then I pull them close, only to push them away again. I consciously and unconsciously test them to see how much they care. I’m always suspicious, always looking for some kind of discrepancy that will prove they don’t really care about me. I have lots of sudden impulses to do or say things I may or may not really mean if only to bring about a reaction.

It’s like silence causes me more pain than an actual problem. So sometimes I push and push until there’s an actual conflict.

But it’s not a healthy way to behave. So, I need to learn how to trust people and feel confident and secure in my friendships and with my relationship. If I don’t, I could end up losing everyone, including myself.

A New Year’s State of Mind

FullSizeRender-2IMG_0225

It is New Year’s Eve! Normally I celebrate it with my boyfriend, John. We pick a movie that will end around midnight, and then we go to Walmart and buy lots of sparkling cider. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but I treasure it. Traditions are very important to me. Ironically, though, this year AND last year I’ve had to cancel on him. So really, how much of a tradition is it? Last year I was with my sister and my best friend (see picture on the right). This year I am in Arizona (see picture on the left), and my grandma is throwing a party for all of her friends to come to! So I will be spending my New Year’s Eve playing pictionary with a bunch of 70+ year olds. But, I don’t mind. I’m excited. I love all this extra time that I have gotten to spend with my grandparents, and I wouldn’t change a single thing.
I’ve decided that my New Year’s Resolution is to try to not complain at all. That will be extremely hard, because I complain a lot. Oh well, I want my life to be as happy and fulfilling as possible, and I have a feeling that cutting out my habit of complaining will be a great help to that goal.
Happy New Year, everyone!!

The Cycle

She’s a romantic
Viewing the world through naive eyes
She is only deluding herself
Perfection can never be reached
She waits patiently
For her heart to accept what her mind already knows
She’s only capable of seeing black and white
Therefore soon falling into cynicism
But she is too pure to stay there
She claims to have a desire to understand the grey
But what her heart truly aches for is the perfection
So she slowly returns to her abusive relationship with idealism
And therefore the cycle never ends
It is only a matter of time before she is hurt again
Her expectations shattered into thousands of pieces
Then she will again be waiting patiently
For her heart to accept what her mind already knows
Idealist to cynic to idealist
Round and round she goes
It’s always the same

Blessings On Blessings

Yesterday, my grandparents and I began our long trek to Casa Grande, Arizona. We haven’t made it very far, honestly. Our method of transportation is an RV. It heavily increases travel time. Besides that, we’ve run into a multitude of “difficulties.” Some of this won’t even make sense unless you have traveled in an RV. But, yesterday, one of our slides would not come in, the water pump was messed up, and we ended up spending an hour getting all of this fixed at Camping World. Not only did we have to deal with these “technical difficulties,” but we had to make a couple necessary stops before we actually set out for Arizona.

We left from Jonesboro, Arkansas at around 10am and, in addition to all of the problems we encountered, we had to stop in Little Rock and Hot Springs Village. Now, it is just after the Christmas holiday, and we have Christmas at my house every year. My cousins had left a ton of their things at my house, and since our trip to AZ took us past Little Rock, we decided to be nice and run their things by. Then, onto Hot Springs Village. That is where my grandparents live. I am only going to be in AZ for a week and a half, but my grandparents are staying for 3 months. Clearly, it is very important that they bring everything they will need. They had forgotten the modem and a couple of other things. We decided to take the car off the RV and simply drive that back to their house. Well, the car was dead. We had to jump the car and charge the battery. This, of course, added onto the “quick, in-and-out” trip to their house.

When we finally got on the road, we made tons of jokes about how bad our luck had been that morning. In fact, it had taken us practically 7 hours to go only 4 hours down the road. But, God works in mysterious ways…because it had, in fact, been a huge blessing.

If we hadn’t faced all those problems yesterday, we would’ve obviously made it farther down the road. Which would’ve put us in east Texas around the exact time the tornado was coming through, along with the storm. The damage, which we saw today, was horrendous. Houses were destroyed, roofs were caved in or smashed, power lines were down, tons of cars littered the highway, and police were everywhere. I’m not exaggerating when I say that there were probably more than 20 cop cars and emergency vehicles just in my line of sight. It was even rumored that when the storm cleared up this morning, dead bodies had been found laying on the exact highway we were driving on.

So, what may appear to be unfortunate or an annoyance may actually be a blessing in disguise. I’ve heard this saying a thousand times during my life, but most of the time you realize the situation was a blessing so far down the road that you’ve forgotten the situation ever felt like a curse. This time, however, the switch in point of view was almost instantaneous. That really drilled in the saying.

Next time I’m struggling along in life, I’ll simply praise God and stay positive, because I have no idea how he will use my tribulation to bless me or someone else. But, I am eager to find out.

 

 

 

Time Will Tell: First Semester In

My first semester of college is over. It was extremely rough, but in different ways than I was expecting. In relation to all of my fears, it was fairly easy. I’m not going to go into tremendous detail, because then I would be typing all night. I just know that it has been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and my goal is to keep a constant blog, even though that isn’t apparent due to me being AWOL.

Looking back, I can’t believe I almost did not join a sorority. Alpha Gam has pretty much saved me from a lot of meltdowns this year. I’ve made great friends that I can count on and be myself around. But, I still have my insecurities. With my desire to make everybody love me, being around so many girls at once tends to give me a bit of anxiety. I want to be that social butterfly that everybody admires and speaks extremely highly of. So, I wear myself out trying to make every single girl love me, and I’m guessing that’s why I’m not succeeding. I make friends better when I’m being one-hundred percent genuine. And, although I hate to admit it, my true self can be a bit of a butt-hole. So even though my niceness was sincere, I wasn’t allowing myself to be fully comfortable around them. That’s something I really am going to have to work on next semester. There’s this girl that is crazy sweet and outgoing, and everybody loves her. She is practically the living embodiment of what I had pictured for myself in college. I think that may be why I admire her so much. She doesn’t even have to try. This girl is actually going to be my roommate next year. We will be in the quads with two other girls.

 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes this semester. I would take a lot of things back.  I have had to make a butt-ton of apologies. For the longest time, I beat myself up over this. But, now I realize that I can’t be perfect. To err is to be human. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and make decisions based on the person that I want to be. The only problem is, I don’t know who I want to be yet. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I wouldn’t say I love college yet, but I do appreciate not having to sit in a classroom all day. I think the only reason college hasn’t fully grown on me yet is that there are so many uncertainties. And you never escape from campus life. When you make a mistake, people talk. It’s not just school, it’s like a small town. Gossip, drama, social events, restaurants, housing, etc… At least that’s what it feels like to me.

But I am proud of myself for one thing. I stuck it out. Honestly, I didn’t think I could make it through the first semester of college. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I could’ve done things differently. But, I made it out safely and with my sanity. Well, partially with my sanity. Just kidding. But even though I haven’t figured out who I am or the kind of person I am striving to be yet, I have figured out what my priorities are and what I truly value and care about. And I think that’s a great accomplishment.

Plus, I happened to get a 4.0 along the way. No biggie.

 

In ‘N Out

image

       This vacation came and went by so quickly. I feel like yesterday we were just stopping for the night in Mobile, Alabama.. not sure that we were actually going to get a hotel room. We had driven all day, and Peyton (my boyfriend’s two year old … Almost THREE! brother) had to stay awake until well after midnight.

image

Bless his heart. But, really, it feels like the trip just began. I am reluctant to actually get in the car tomorrow and make the painful journey back to reality and errands. But, it’ll be good for me.

    My favorite part of this vacation was getting to meet all of John’s (my boyfriend) family that I hadn’t ever met.

image

image

We took this vacation with John’s dad’s side of the family, and the only people I knew were John’s immediate family. It was nerve racking, but I managed. I grew to love everyone, and I’m glad he got to share this part of his family with me.

image