I think there comes a point in every low time of your life when you suddenly snap out of it. Yes, the problem is still there, but you get the strength and the willpower to not let that problem ruin your happiness or ruin your day.
Sitting around and having a pity party for yourself gets you nowhere, so why bother? It’s tempting to dwell on the past and thrive on the memories, but when something isn’t an option anymore…you can’t just sit around waiting for it to possibly become one. Life goes on no matter what, and you can choose to mope or grow stronger. Today, I choose strength.
So, the last few weeks have been extremely rough. My boyfriend and I broke up the Monday before my birthday, and it’s been trying to say the least. I lost my high-school sweetheart, my first true love, my best friend, and the most amazing man I’ve ever met…all in one person. I haven’t really given myself any time to slow down and think about how much I’ve lost, because it hurts too much. I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think about it. But, I know it’s for the best.
I know he’s hurting right now, too, and I just pray that God takes that hurt away from him; he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too genuine to be hurt. He’ll be just fine, and he’s going to change the world someday. I know he changed mine.
Some seconds it feels as if the world is crashing down on me, but some seconds it feels like nothing is wrong. I relax in my oblivious bliss until it hits me once again, and I can barely breathe.
I don’t know who I am as a person, and I think maybe I will finally find out. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that God gave me something more than I could handle, with His help of course.
One thing I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks is that I can be really introspective, I can be a good listener, and I have a huge heart for people. I may not show it all the time, but I have a special love for everybody I meet..and even those I don’t meet.
Sometimes I feel as though I may be guilty of playing a “game” with everyone I truly love in my life.
I push them away, then I pull them close, only to push them away again. I consciously and unconsciously test them to see how much they care. I’m always suspicious, always looking for some kind of discrepancy that will prove they don’t really care about me. I have lots of sudden impulses to do or say things I may or may not really mean if only to bring about a reaction.
It’s like silence causes me more pain than an actual problem. So sometimes I push and push until there’s an actual conflict.
But it’s not a healthy way to behave. So, I need to learn how to trust people and feel confident and secure in my friendships and with my relationship. If I don’t, I could end up losing everyone, including myself.