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Justified Stress? 

Even though I’m prone to worry and fret, I need to put my faith in GOD. God is big enough, powerful enough, and loving enough to take the reins. God is enough. We don’t need to put the focus on our problems and ourselves — we need to rejoice and glorify God in everything we do! 

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of GOD.” 

1 Corinthians 10:31 

Life is about GOD, not me (and not you), so get over it. Think of a relationship you have. For example, you may have thought of a boyfriend, or your mom, dad, siblings, friends, or anyone you deeply care about. Think about how much time you spend with them — you’re constantly investing in them and getting to knew them. God should be your purpose. God should be my purpose. God should be my closest relationship. So why doesn’t my time reflect that? How much time should I be spending with God? Is it even close to the amount of time I spend with Him now? Chances are, no. Absolutely not. I’m spending a lot less time with God than I should. 

I may spend time with God more frequently than I choose to spend with a lot of people, but that doesn’t matter. Judging by the way I spend my time, God and I could have the closeness level equivalent to that of an acquaintance. That’s not too deep when I have the opportunity to get to know my God. To get to know my savior. Oh the joy, that He first loved us. I’m so undeserving, and thankful for His love. I’m thankful for his mercy and grace when I constantly mess up and I constantly fail Him. 

Yes, I pray (text Him), and I read His Word every once in a while (actually see what He’s saying to me in response), but I don’t spend anything more than about twenty minutes or less a day. Some days, I’ll have that rare “trip to Sonic” or “hey, let’s catch up over coffee,” but one could not say God is my best friend. One could not say He is of utmost priority to me. 

God, 

Please fill me up with You. Give me that desire to spend more and more time with You. God, please give me that drive and that passion. Please kindle all the energy and personality I have, and use it for Your Will. God, let my time reflect my priorities. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannnot change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is— not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and I may be supremely happy with Him forever in the next. 

Our Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive in the ones who have trespassed against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever — Amen. 

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Mindlessness

Mindlessness: Having no intelligent purpose, meaning, or direction. Giving or showing little attention or care.

These past few (or five) months since the breakup, I’ve spiraled and then gotten right back up on my feet. For the better. I had a drive in me that felt foreign, quite frankly. I loved that drive. Maybe I still have it, but I feel like I may be losing myself again.

I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t have time to focus on things that I want to focus on. I work all the time, quit my sorority, rush through my homework, and stress, stress, stress. I have been relying on God, and I felt like I was going through an immensely fruitful period, but now I feel dry. I feel fruitless. I feel as if all the amazing process I was making has gotten up on its own accord and walked its happy little ass away. If I’m being honest here, I feel useless and purposeless.

I keep praying for God to awaken that fire in me that was only so recently burning so bright…but it’s still missing. I don’t want it gone. I need it back.

I realize a lot of my problems come from procrastination. I need to break away from that.

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Dead ‘N Gone 

I think there comes a point in every low time of your life when you suddenly snap out of it. Yes, the problem is still there, but you get the strength and the willpower to not let that problem ruin your happiness or ruin your day.

Sitting around and having a pity party for yourself gets you nowhere, so why bother? It’s tempting to dwell on the past and thrive on the memories, but when something isn’t an option anymore…you can’t just sit around waiting for it to possibly become one. Life goes on no matter what, and you can choose to mope or grow stronger. Today, I choose strength.

 

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CatchUp

So, the last few weeks have been extremely rough. My boyfriend and I broke up the Monday before my birthday, and it’s been trying to say the least. I lost my high-school sweetheart, my first true love, my best friend, and the most amazing man I’ve ever met…all in one person. I haven’t really given myself any time to slow down and think about how much I’ve lost, because it hurts too much. I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think about it. But, I know it’s for the best.

I know he’s hurting right now, too, and I just pray that God takes that hurt away from him; he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too genuine to be hurt. He’ll be just fine, and he’s going to change the world someday. I know he changed mine.

Some seconds it feels as if the world is crashing down on me, but some seconds it feels like nothing is wrong. I relax in my oblivious bliss until it hits me once again, and I can barely breathe.

I don’t know who I am as a person, and I think maybe I will finally find out. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I refuse to believe that God gave me something more than I could handle, with His help of course.

One thing I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks is that I can be really introspective, I can be a good listener, and I have a huge heart for people. I may not show it all the time, but I have a special love for everybody I meet..and even those I don’t meet.

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Learning Life from Eminem? Alright.

So I started my very first job; I’m a part-time bank teller at Simmons First National Bank, and I couldn’t be more satisfied with myself. I started last week, and I can already feel myself sinking into the rhythm of what is expected from me. It feels natural…walking into work, grabbing coffee from the break room, making sure my drawer is balanced, making jokes with all the other employees.

BUT there is always a but.

While I enjoy the actual working aspect, I do not enjoy the amount of time it sucks out of my day. I feel as if my grades are dropping, my social life is lacking, and I’m running out of energy because I don’t have time to sleep.

Long story short: I have become peanut butter spread way too thin on that piece of bread we call life, and I just may be losing my mind.

It doesn’t help that while my mind is deviously running away from me, there have been several bombs dropped on me. And I don’t mean tiny little smoke bombs; I’m talking Hiroshima here, guys…

I refuse to go into it, because everything is extremely personal and to be quite frank, I’m just tired of thinking about it. I’m laughing so hard right now, because I can’t believe I’m actually about to put this quote in here…but it makes sense. And it fits. And let’s face it…Eminem is freaking awesome.

And I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Because sometimes life gets harder, and sometimes disappointments become more and more frequent. But that’s when you fight back. That’s when you get stronger.

“Imma be late for the pity party, but you’re never gonna beat me to the f***ing punch again”             -Marshall Mathers

 

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SB16- Bring it.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!

I can do anything I want. I will have no responsibilities, and I will actually be able to enjoy myself.

If I want to sit at home on the couch and binge watch Netflix all day, I can. If I want to go out to Craighead Forest and spend the day reading a book by the lake, I can. If I want to be extremely social and spend the entire week hanging out with friends, I can. If I want to try out some crazy craft project, (and probably fail miserably and make a huge mess) I can!! There is nothing expected of me, and I couldn’t be happier to get a break from school.

This week may be exactly what I need to clear my head, reevaluate my priorities, and just have a ΒℜΣΑΚ.

 

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Depression: No filter

When you’re depressed you have some days where you feel like you’ve finally gotten over it, even if it’s just for a brief moment. You feel giddy, you can’t stop smiling, and you feel like nothing can bring you down.

Today is not one of those days.

Today it feels impossible to force a smile, it feels impossible to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, it feels like time is passing by extremely slow and it is all I can do to wait until it’s bedtime so I can fall asleep and catch a break from my thoughts for even just a little while. Today it feels like I am more lost than ever and more purposeless than ever. Today it feels like I’m never going to be able to break free from anxiety and depression, and today it just sucks.

And do you wanna know the worst part?

The worst part about having anxiety and depression is not having to deal with the daily pain and the constant hopelessness, even though that definitely is a close second. The worst part about having anxiety and depression is that I am myself. And I am a fighter. Now you may be confused right about this point, because that word connotes strength.

Let me explain.

When you have inner strength and you have anxiety and depression, your mind is at constant conflict. You want to give up, but you refuse to give up. You want to cry, but you refuse to cry. You want to lay in bed all day and forget the world, but you refuse to waste your life away. You want to be sad, but you refuse to be. So you try your best to be happy and be the person that you are meant to be, and you may even believe that you can beat your anxiety and depression, but every time you crash that false hope is what makes the fall all the more painful.

Sometimes you even meet someone that makes you feel the way you feel when you have those days that trick you into thinking you’ve gotten over all those problems.

But they never stay.

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One Moment Can Change Everything

So my best friend at college just got into a major car accident, and her car is totaled. I don’t know all the details, but she is getting a CT scan done right now. The doctors are positive she will be okay though. 

When I heard I started crying so hard. She means the world to me, and tonight made me realize how quickly you can lose the people that you love with your whole heart. You truly do need to treasure every minute you have with somebody, because you never know when it might be your last.